So yeah, this is me starting a blog about my quest for an extraordinary life. I've been living this kind of existence thing for far too long and now I've started to disappear again. I went to counselling a week ago and have begun to take some steps toward the life I want and this idea came to mind. Not only will this help me to put everything down in a public forum but also might just help someone else who may be going through the same type of thing. That's cool to me.
Before I get down to the nitty gritty, here's a little about me to get started.
I am a 44 year old woman. EEEK!! What the hell happened to my life? How in God's name did I get here and where did the time go???? I can't even believe the year is 25% of the way through.
Aaaaanywho...so yes, I am what is considered middle aged. (again, Eeeeek!) I am a mother of 2 and a wife of 1. I am, for the most part, a stay at home mom although I work part time in retail hell and am also an aspiring Actor. Yes, I said ACTOR. I don't like the title "Actress". I am not in any way a feminist, it's just a picture that pops into my head when I think of that title -- young ingenue -- which I am certainly not. Plus, you don't go around calling female Doctors "Doctresses" or female lawyers "Lawyeresses", do you? Acting is a profession like any other and should be treated as such and gender neutral. But, that's just my opinion.
I've struggled my entire life with my weight. I wasn't popular, didn't have a lot of boyfriends and faced a lot of criticism on many occasions. I've been on just about every diet, starving myself for weeks to, yes, lose 25 lbs in a month and gain adoration from many only to gain it all back and face he embarrassment of my failure. I've followed all these so-called diet experts that have never had a weight problem try to tell me how to get skinny. And, I don't care if they were "skinny-fat" -- it's not the same as being actually fat. Growing up, even if you were this "skinny-fat" girl with no muscle tone, you were still popular and never faced the humiliation of being left out at the school prom. They still had flocks of boys and friends. Now, I'm not saying this is true of everyone but there is a stigma to being overweight. People DO look at you differently. People DO say things like, "you have such a pretty face, if you could just lose a little weight..." So what you're saying is, I'll be good enough when I'm thin? Wow. Yes, I have low self esteem and have had although I am really good at covering it up. My low self esteem has brought a lot of heartache and even worse relationships into my life. My first husband was a real prize. He would lay into me like clockwork once a month to tell me how gross I was but then still want to bed me every night. Then he wondered why I said no. Der. I felt like a ...well...whore. I used to stare at the vertical blinds in our bedroom and imagine them as prison bars since I felt like I was trapped in this relationship as who else would want me -- I'm gross. I've come to terms with what he said and realized it was his way of keeping me there due to his own image problems. It was confirmed when I left him and he came crawling back. Boy, it felt good to rid myself of that jerk! I spent a long time getting to be comfortable with who I was without a man in my life and learned to enjoy being by myself. Now, I think I like it too much. Ha!
So, as I embark on this quest, keep in mind what I'm battling, karmically. I believe I carried this belief of "not being good enough" through lifetimes and am healing it. I want to be healthy and have real success in my career, my relationships, and my health and here I go starting with my health. I'm preparing for my start date of March 31. I know, weird being on the LAST day of the month but it happens to be Monday and I don't really care if I get shit for starting on Monday. It's my plan. ;-p
I'll post pictures, my daily journal my ups AND my downs. My humanity. No one is perfect and I will live perfectly in that imperfection, dammit!
