Monday, April 7, 2014

Monday, Monday

Rainy day and Mondays...
Well, as the song goes, they always get me down -- not really. I'm actually ok with Mondays AND rainy days. I'm weird that way. I look at Mondays now as new beginnings, a new week with more opportunities. And rain? I find it cleansing. I love to listen to it. Thunder not so much, but rain, I love. Kids are back to school after a week off for spring break. I enjoyed the lay ins last week but also did absolutely nothing. I had an audition, finally after a month of crickets. Didn't book, again. Still very much frustrated with that part of my life and had a good cry about things last week. Like the rain, very cleansing.
I weighed in this morning and I've gained every pound back that I lost over the past month and then some. I ate myself silly the last couple of weeks. I did all my measuring and I'm ready to get back into the action. I worked out this morning to "My Bikini Butt".
I've always had a giant ass and I would really love to have a tight little one so I'm giving this a whirl. I can already feel it. Today's was isolated movements and stretches targeting the lower body. This one started with burpees. Yikes! I did a modified version since I'm so overweight, I didn't want to stress any joints out prematurely. I'll work up to the full ones. It was short and sweet at about 15 minutes. I figure I will alternate those with CT50, Yoga and Turbulence Training. That should give me plenty of variety. As far as food goes, my plan is to eat as natural as possible. Smoothies, raw vegetables and lean meats. I work every night this week except for my birthday so it should be easy to stick with my food choices without worrying about dinnertime and what to cook for everyone. Plus, I'll get plenty of exercise with walking, bending and lifting at work.
My goal is to get down at least 2 sizes by the next social event in May. I'm attending a screening and possible a SAG event that same weekend and I want to look great! The trick is to keep my eyes on the prize. I'm motivated now. I need to do this. I need my confidence back.

I have a counseling appointment tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it. I need more tools. The daily Reiki has been interesting and I've definitely been sleeping better entering sleep with it. My affirmation has been just so so. I had hoped I would have some great news to share with my minister tomorrow. I'm trying not to be disappointed that I don't. Just keep going. The seed is planted.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Hump Day, Schlump Day

So here it is Wednesday, April 2. I have done NOTHING. I wanted to get back to business on Monday. Didn't happen. Decided, ok, Tuesday is April 1 - new month, I'll get going then. Didn't happen. Which brings us to today. Started off ok then I got to mid afternoon and lost my mind. Sitting on my butt doing what? Eating. I have to work tonight and I don't feel like it. I want to do some more sitting on my butt and get caught up on my TV shows. *sigh*
The good news is I had an audition this week after a month of crickets. Bad news is I hear more crickets. I shot a few character pics over the weekend after the disaster of a day that was the Atlanta Actors Symposium and getting my headshots ripped apart by a couple of Casting people from Los Angeles. Figured more shots might help. Sent them to my agent for feedback and either my email is broken (which I highly doubt since I'm still getting my daily Viagra email) or my energy is not enough to get them to "see" them. I'm sure they are busy, I just really would like to hear something. Anything.
I've been feeling ok about myself despite stuffing. My daily affirmations and Reiki treatments seem to be helping. I just want that energy to travel to the people that need to see me.

Back to Saturday for a moment. I was feeling pretty confident all day. Approached a couple of Casting Directors and said hello, gave out some headshots and felt back to my normal confident self. Then, the final seminar of the day. The headshot critique. They said they were ok. But then one of them told me that my picture suggests a tall, thin woman and if she brought me in, she would be pissed off when I walked in the room. Gee, thanks. I know I'm no skinny bitch but did she really have to go there in front of a room full of people? I hope she feels good about herself. I asked how do I remedy that in a headshot. Boy, those crickets are everywhere. Neither one had an answer except do a headshot in a blue sweater with my arms crossed and serious. WTF???!??!? THAT'S supposed to be my headshot? I don't get it. Yes, it's one thing I get cast for but I also get called in for cougars, moms, lawyers, secretaries, and sooooo many other types of characters. Plus, that doesn't solve the weight thing, does it? Or, does it? Does being type cast as a nurse character exempt me from pissing off the CD when I walk in with a few extra pounds on my frame? I don't know. I was pretty much done after that. I want to be motivated by it and get to work getting the weight off so I "match" my headshots but instead it's the opposite. I want to crawl in a hole and eat cake.

Speaking of cake, tomorrow is the hubs birthday. I'm making gluten free brownies. I will eat one. I'm not giving up my goodies for special occasions. I know I don't need it but I also don't want to beat myself up for having it to celebrate with my family.

I'm setting a new start date for next week. My kids will be back in school and I can work out in peace and make a new plan. I have to make this happen even if only for my mood to improve.

I DID say up and DOWNS, right? Yup, I am human.

Friday, March 28, 2014


So yeah, this is me starting a blog about my quest for an extraordinary life. I've been living this kind of existence thing for far too long and now I've started to disappear again. I went to counselling a week ago and have begun to take some steps toward the life I want and this idea came to mind. Not only will this help me to put everything down in a public forum but also might just help someone else who may be going through the same type of thing. That's cool to me.

Before I get down to the nitty gritty, here's a little about me to get started.
I am a 44 year old woman. EEEK!! What the hell happened to my life? How in God's name did I get here and where did the time go???? I can't even believe the year is 25% of the way through. yes, I am what is considered middle aged. (again, Eeeeek!) I am a mother of 2 and a wife of 1. I am, for the most part, a stay at home mom although I work part time in retail hell and am also an aspiring Actor. Yes, I said ACTOR. I don't like the title "Actress".  I am not in any way a feminist, it's just a picture that pops into my head when I think of that title -- young ingenue -- which I am certainly not. Plus, you don't go around calling female Doctors "Doctresses" or female lawyers "Lawyeresses", do you? Acting is a profession like any other and should be treated as such and gender neutral. But, that's just my opinion.

I've struggled my entire life with my weight. I wasn't popular, didn't have a lot of boyfriends and faced a lot of criticism on many occasions. I've been on just about every diet, starving myself for weeks to, yes, lose 25 lbs in a month and gain adoration from many only to gain it all back and face he embarrassment of my failure. I've followed all these so-called diet experts that have never had a weight problem try to tell me how to get skinny. And, I don't care if they were "skinny-fat" -- it's not the same as being actually fat. Growing up, even if you were this "skinny-fat" girl with no muscle tone, you were still popular and never faced the humiliation of being left out at the school prom. They still had flocks of boys and friends. Now, I'm not saying this is true of everyone but there is a stigma to being overweight. People DO look at you differently. People DO say things like, "you have such a pretty face, if you could just lose a little weight..." So what you're saying is, I'll be good enough when I'm thin? Wow. Yes, I have low self esteem and have had although I am really good at covering it up. My low self esteem has brought a lot of heartache and even worse relationships into my life. My first husband was a real prize. He would lay into me like clockwork once a month to tell me how gross I was but then still want to bed me every night. Then he wondered why I said no. Der. I felt like a ...well...whore. I used to stare at the vertical blinds in our bedroom and imagine them as prison bars since I felt like I was trapped in this relationship as who else would want me -- I'm gross. I've come to terms with what he said and realized it was his way of keeping me there due to his own image problems. It was confirmed when I left him and he came crawling back. Boy, it felt good to rid myself of that jerk! I spent a long time getting to be comfortable with who I was without a man in my life and learned to enjoy being by myself. Now, I think I like it too much. Ha!

So, as I embark on this quest, keep in mind what I'm battling, karmically. I believe I carried this belief of "not being good enough" through lifetimes and am healing it. I want to be healthy and have real success in my career, my relationships, and my health and here I go starting with my health. I'm preparing for my start date of March 31. I know, weird being on the LAST day of the month but it happens to be Monday and I don't really care if I get shit for starting on Monday. It's my plan. ;-p
I'll post pictures, my daily journal my ups AND my downs. My humanity. No one is perfect and I will live perfectly in that imperfection, dammit!